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Stuttering Shell: letting off some steam.

Friday, May 7, 2010

letting off some steam.

disclaimer:  this is long & whiny.  read at your own risk.  you'll see the eff word.  i don't care if you're offended.  this is my pity party.  not yours.  neener, neener, neener!

i woke up this morning & read the riot act to everyone who crossed my path - adam, the kids, the dog.  the cats were spared {they were already outside}. 

it was just an overall bad morning.  a bad morning that had been building for days.  something is going on and it's just been bubbling up festering inside of me.  my unpleasant demeanor as of late closely resembles the "me" that i was not long ago when i was working with my husband:  stressed.  tired.  depressed {this is quite the possibly my problem, period}. 

adam's been short lately, too.  more than likely, his snippy 'tude is due to my "i just don't give a fuck" attitude.  and, quite frankly, i really just don't give a fuck.

don't get me wrong...i love my kids.  i love myself.  i love my husband.  i just don't like him very much right now.  no reason, i just don't.  and, it's okay for me to say that.  {ha. how funny is it that i have a 'sweet' blog post about us - adam & i - scheduled for tomorrow?!}

i've been doing lots of thinking lately.  random, a.d.d. kind of thinking.  one minute i'm here.  one minute i'm there.  i'll be thirty-three this year and i can honestly say that i did not picture my life turning out the way that it has. 

i really don't live with any regrets; however, if there was some way for me to erase the last two years, i would.  you know the trick where someone pulls a table cloth off the table without disturbing everything that's on the table? good.  well, you know how if the trick gets botched {i.e., the table cloth isn't pulled fast enough} everything on the table comes crashing down?  that's me & how i'm feeling.  except, in my case, the table cloth was completely pulled out and everything still came tumbling down.

{did i lose you?}

i try to focus on the positives.  i do.  i have awesome kids.  i have an honest, hard-working husband.  i have a family that loves me dearly.  i am healthy.  i am working.  i have a home.  i have friends i can turn to.  i have the Lord. 

but, the buts...oh, the buts...why am i still sad?  why am i unhappy?  is it, like my sweet pal, gussy, says, the d?  {um, that would be the debbil.}  maybe.  maybe it is.  no, i know it is.  i know for a fact that, in some ways, it is.  why?  because...well, i just know.  but - here we go again with those buts - it's mostly just me.  i'm my own reason for my unhappiness.


i, i don't think...i KNOW that i am not satisfied with where i am currently in my life.  i'm lost.  i really am.  still aimlessly wandering. 

did you know that i have yet to complete the masters in elementary education degree i started four years ago?  i want to finish the degree, but because i dropped out of school, i pretty much forfeited my graduate school career and sent my grades straight down the shitter.  in my defense, however, making sure my momma survived her battle with breast cancer was more important to me than earning another degree.  and, now that i am feeling the urge to return to school, i don't think i want to be a teacher anymore. oy.

did you know that money is a big stressor in my life?  it is.  there's never going to be enough of it, but when your family's income is cut by more than half there's really never going to be enough.  throw in the fact that we have a shit ton of debt and, well, no wonder i have gray roots!  we are not rich by any stretch of the imagination.  paycheck to paycheck is where it's at.  but, on a good note {hooray}, we've reduced our total debt {credit cards} by a little more than half in the four years we've been tackling them.  four years.  oy.

did you know that my husband was betrayed by his own father?  well, he has.  you don't know how my husband has been hurt by his own father {well, some of you do}.  it's not good.  i'd say more, but my father-in-law reads my blog {which is why i am tinkering with the idea of going private} and he would try to use this against me if he could.  but, he can't because i didn't say who, what, when, where, why or there.

did you know that while i may have a job, i just don't envision it as a career?  isn't that funny...because not long ago i was gushing about how happy i was.  i mean, i'm still happy with my job.  i just want more.  which is probably why i'm thinking about school again.  i don't have a career like some of y'all do {have you seen my resume?}.  but, maybe there is a reason for all of this.  maybe i'm wanting things to happen too soon.  or, maybe it's like my sister family is my career. 

did you know that i feel very inadequate, less than stellar, second-class and/or not worthy at times?  i do.  i've never been "the cool kid" or part of "the 'in' crowd."  but, it's not just that.  i just feel different at times.  judged.  dissected.  cast off.  alone.

there's a lot going on in this head of mine, isn't there?


if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  and this momma needs to be happy.


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Blogger Luna said...

i feel the same sometimes. i have gone through (in some parts still am) the same stuff you're going through. you're not alone. life is very frustrating and sometimes no matter how hard you try it still is. but its important to keep on going for what you want and being happy.

May 7, 2010, 5:22:00 AM  
Blogger Susannah said...

I understand! I am sorry you are down right now, I hope and pray things get better!!

May 7, 2010, 6:16:00 AM  
Blogger rachel said...

oh i so understand where you're coming from w/ the job... i just started a new job which i am SO thankful for and is so much better than my last job, but my heart is SO not in it... i want to be teaching high school, not managing engineering projects... it's hard to put on a happy face and say "yes, i love my new job!" when you haven't yet convinced yourself you have... keep your chin up! it just means better things are yet to come! ( :

May 7, 2010, 8:02:00 AM  
Blogger R said...

Oh Michelle we all have days like that. I've been feeling just as lost and confused and angry lately so I get it. It's great that you're still able to list the good even though you're feeling as down as you are.

May 7, 2010, 9:29:00 AM  
Blogger Brittany Ann said...

I have had days, weeks, (occasionally months) like this! I totally get it. Just don't beat yourself up over feeling like this! You're human and you have important feelings, and things are more than hard right now, and it's rough!

I'm just so sorry you have to deal with all this, and I just wish there was more I could do to help!

May 7, 2010, 4:43:00 PM  
Blogger AndreaLeigh said...

oh wow - I feel like I could have written a lot of this. I, too, feel a lot of the time like I'm not good enough. I feel pressure to be better, do better but that pressure is all from me. I worry about money. I am scared I'm about to loose my job due to budget cuts and I have no idea how we'll make it. I feel like I have a job and not a career. I could kick myself for quitting my masters - I was one semester away from graduating with a Master of Arts in Teaching.

Thanks for being honest and sharing.

May 13, 2010, 10:58:00 AM  

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