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Stuttering Shell: bitch alert: if the shoe fits, wear it.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

bitch alert: if the shoe fits, wear it.

it's that time of the month again. time for me to bitch, bitch, bitch. i'll try to keep it clean. maybe. if your eyes are sensitive, or you find cussing offensive, then i kindly ask you to go read a different blog.

oh, and the idea isn't to be offensive. i just need to get things off of my chest clear my head.



to the people who clip antlers & a red nose on to their vehicle,

stop it. you look like an ass driving down the road. you'll look like an even bigger ass when it's february & the antlers are still clipped to your car. there's only one rudolph & your whip isn't it.

respectfully,
the driver of an antler-free vehicle



dear kids in my 'hood,

my crepe myrtle tree is not the neighborhood jungle gym. stay out of my damn tree, please & thank you.

from,
the bitchy lady who lives on the corner



to the neighbor who lets his dog shit in my yard,

i don't find it pleasant to walk across my front yard only to have to dodge land mine size piles of hot poo. clearly, you don't believe in cleaning up after your four-legged friend. unfortunately for you, i have a pretty good idea of who you are. be scared.

sincerely,
the lady who will bag your shit up & leave it on your doormat



to my dear, sweet daughter,

let me make this very clear: whatever is not an acceptable response to anything that i say to you or ask you to do. got it? good.

love,
your mother {who is over your tween angst}



to my inquisitive son,

it is not okay to ask questions about when the world is going to end or how people get pregnant while i'm driving in the rain at night. come to think of it, don't even ask me those kinds of questions. ask your father instead.

love,
your mother who must now go dye her hair...again.



dear pottery barn,

i really hope you fix your screw up. i mean, if i wanted stockings with crooked embroidery, then i would have done it myself. it would have been a hell of a lot cheaper, too.

here's to hoping i'll actually receive two new stockings before christmas,
a potential ex-customer



to my patience,

i know you ran off with my sanity, but it would be nice if you came back. please.

from,
the lady who snaps faster than a rubber band



good gracious. do i need to pop a valium or what??*


*kidding! i've never taken one. ever.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Cole said...

If I had Valium...I might be tempted to send you a few. :-)

Might I suggest "wine therapy" in the meantime?! :-)

Dec 15, 2011, 11:38:00 PM  
Blogger Jess - PrettyPhysicist said...

haha, you make me smile! Happy weekend, and I agree with Cole - some wine therapy should help. ;)

Dec 16, 2011, 7:03:00 AM  
Blogger Meghan said...

I definitely need to write a letter to my neighbor that constantly smokes weed. Ugh.

Dec 17, 2011, 4:06:00 PM  
Blogger Josh and Jennifer said...

I always adore these!!! They bring a huge smile to my face :)

Dec 18, 2011, 6:35:00 PM  
Blogger Mel Tales said...

You just made me giggle :o) Merry Christmas!!!!

Dec 22, 2011, 4:49:00 PM  

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