and that's what i think about that.

i'm glad that jennifer h u d s o n finally starting singing a new song in her weight watchers commercials. but, i still want to stab myself in the ear when they come on.

speaking of weight loss commercials, what the eff mariah c a r e y??

no, i don't want to open your email regarding pills i can take to enlarge my wang. i don't have a wang. i also don't care if i've won the uk lotto or if you're a prince from nigeria offering me money. and, crazy asians with business propositions...buzz off!

in addition, all of the eggheads, scantily clad girls & other twerks {that's what you get when you combine the twit with a jerk} have gots ta go. no, i don't want to "check this out" nor do i want to be your friend. get a life. 

coca cola, thank you for making the winter cans red again. the white cans caused me much anxiety because mama does not like the diet variety of your drinky drink.

baby boy clothes, stop being so damn cute. i'm on a budget. {and, no, i'm not pregnant.}

budget, stop being so damn limiting.

pain in my neck, i hope you go away sooner than the day both of my children move out of my house. wishful thinking, i know.

who in their right mind would wear a forever lazy?! did the commercial really suggest that you wear it while tailgating? and, are you so damn lazy that you need a back flap for easy access to use the bathroom? oh, lawdy.

football...why aren't you over yet?

crazy ass virginia weather...wind chills in the teens & sixty degree temperatures all in the same week? you suck.

people on house hunters. it's just paint and wallpaper. and, are you really complaining about the size of the kitchen?? um, my house could fit in that kitchen. seriously, hgtv, where do you find some of these people?

and, speaking of finding people, have you seen some of the moms on toddlers & tiaras? holy crap.

and that, folks, is what i think about that.

bitch alert: if the shoe fits, wear it.

it's that time of the month again. time for me to bitch, bitch, bitch. i'll try to keep it clean. maybe. if your eyes are sensitive, or you find cussing offensive, then i kindly ask you to go read a different blog.

oh, and the idea isn't to be offensive. i just need to get things off of my chest clear my head.

---

to the people who clip antlers & a red nose on to their vehicle,

stop it. you look like an ass driving down the road. you'll look like an even bigger ass when it's february & the antlers are still clipped to your car. there's only one rudolph & your whip isn't it.

respectfully,
the driver of an antler-free vehicle

---

dear kids in my 'hood,

my crepe myrtle tree is not the neighborhood jungle gym. stay out of my damn tree, please & thank you.

from,
the bitchy lady who lives on the corner

---

to the neighbor who lets his dog shit in my yard,

i don't find it pleasant to walk across my front yard only to have to dodge land mine size piles of hot poo. clearly, you don't believe in cleaning up after your four-legged friend. unfortunately for you, i have a pretty good idea of who you are. be scared.

sincerely,
the lady who will bag your shit up & leave it on your doormat

---

to my dear, sweet daughter,

let me make this very clear: whatever is not an acceptable response to anything that i say to you or ask you to do. got it? good.

love,
your mother {who is over your tween angst}

---

to my inquisitive son,

it is not okay to ask questions about when the world is going to end or how people get pregnant while i'm driving in the rain at night. come to think of it, don't even ask me those kinds of questions. ask your father instead.

love,
your mother who must now go dye her hair...again.

---

dear pottery barn,

i really hope you fix your screw up. i mean, if i wanted stockings with crooked embroidery, then i would have done it myself. it would have been a hell of a lot cheaper, too.

here's to hoping i'll actually receive two new stockings before christmas,
a potential ex-customer

---

to my patience,

i know you ran off with my sanity, but it would be nice if you came back. please.

from,
the lady who snaps faster than a rubber band

---

good gracious. do i need to pop a valium or what??*


*kidding! i've never taken one. ever.

YOU'RE LUCKY IT DIDN'T LEAVE A MARK!

To the lady who hit my car with her car door in the parking lot of Farm Fresh this afternoon...

I realize that it was late in the afternoon and that you, too, were probably doing the "crap, what am I going to fix for dinner" shuffle. Judging by the hasty way you parked your Honda Accord, you were clearly in a hurry. I mean, parking diagonally in a space that is maybe 5 feet wide when there were cars parked on either side is pretty damn sad if you ask me. At any rate, you managed to park your vehicle without issue; however, when you came around to the passenger side to take your toddler son out of the car did you not hear the "THUNK" as your car door hit my car? I know I did...I was sitting in the damn car! Sure, I may have been on the phone with my husband, but even HE knew what happened because a ridiculous variety of expletives came out of my mouth the minute your car hit mine.

You had to have seen me in the car because I saw you plain as day with your bleached blonde hair and black track suit. Hell, I even got out of my car and walked into the grocery store at the same time you did and still no apology or acknowledgement that you hit my car. Sure, it didn't leave a dent. Yeah, the scuff mark can be buffed off. Maybe you think that my car is a piece of crap anyway because it's got 94374539476 pollen spores on it and it squeaks when I start it up (I mean, it's 9 years old!) so what is another ding...but the point is, you hit my damn car!

I know, I know...you were in a hurry, you had your kid with you...blah...blah...blah. I hit a parked car once. Actually, it was my son who hit the car. He opened his door after I told him not to and it hit the car I was parked next to. Even though I immediately apologized to that lady (who happened to be in her car as well) and my son apologized to her (mind you, he was only 3 years old at the time) she still proceeded to bless me out in the parking lot and even made my son cry. I wouldn't have done that, but a simple, "Hey, I'm so sorry, I bumped into your car door, " would have been nice. I know what it's like to be in a rush and have things go all crazy-chaotic with the kids. I know. I live that life daily. But, set an example for your kid and own up to your mistakes, will ya?

Next time you park all crazy in a parking space and hit the car next to you, just say you're sorry if the owner of the car you hit happens to be right there, OK?

Happy parking,
Michelle

P.S. Yes, I'm exceptionally bitchy today.