dear...

dear receptionist at the pediatrician's office,

i find it damn near impossible {and all kinds of annoying} that every time i bring my children in to see the doctor i have to fill out 34089436 forms. again. this morning, we came in for flu shots. my children saw the nurse, got their flu shots & were back in the waiting room where i was still filling out paperwork. i don't understand why you need yet another patient information form filled out for my daughter. she's been a patient there since she was an infant...she'll be eleven in march. clearly, you guys need to figure out a better way to keep your records updated. you're wasting trees & my time.

sincerely,
a pissed off mom with a hand cramp

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dear michelle dugg@r,

most other women roll over at night and tell their husband to leave them the fuck alone. or, next time you feel "the poke" make up an excuse {seriously, the headache one works well}. try it sometime. i can't believe you're having your 20th baby. i wish you the best, of course, but after this child you should seriously consider giving your vagina a break.

sincerely,
a mother of two who loves her birth control

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dear son,

you're eight. remember that the next time you whine & i tell you that you sound like a baby.

love,
your mother {who WILL snap the next time she hears you whine}

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dear former algebra professor,

don't email the class offering your help or tutoring services. correct me if i'm wrong, but you didn't even show up for a study session that you set up when you were our professor. also, don't email the class letting them know you'll be hanging around the library in the same building we have class. it makes you look & sound creepier than you already are.

respectfully,
someone who still doesn't understand algebra but is doing better without you

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dear time,

slow the fuck down. please and thank you.

sincerely,
a mother, wife & grad student who is on the verge of a breakdown

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dear daughter,

you're ten. you're not grown. if you want to act grown, then you need to get a job and help out with the bills. speaking of bills, you don't pay the cable bill so stop bogarting the television remote & the dvr. it makes me {ahem, your mother} mad when my shows don't record because you just have to record the entire series of "toddlers & tiaras" or "dance moms."

i love you dearly,
your mom {who deletes all of that crap off the dvr while you're in school}

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wow. that was fun. seriously. what an awesome form of therapy. and, just so you know, i was inspired by andrea from my chihuahua bites for these snarky snippets to whomever it may concern. got a lot on your chest? do this. you'll feel better. trust me.

oh, and if you made it this far, make sure you keep your eyes open because i {along with every other blogger in the blog-o-sphere} have a GREAT tiny prints giveaway coming. did someone say 50 free cards?! yep!

also, if you have kidlets {like i do} then you'll want to check out tiny prints' facebook page tomorrow {november 9th} to find out how you can send a card from santa to your child! further details will be on tomorrow's blog post as well.