me, as a parent.

this post has been in the works for a while. and, when i say "in the works," i really mean that the idea has been in my head {and my heart} for quite some time. up until now, i never really knew how i wanted to word things. honestly? i still am not entirely certain if this post will come across the way i want it to, but...what the heck.

going from childless to being a parent was a big change. 

going from parenting one child to parenting two children was a big change.

parenting a boy versus parenting a girl? i'm still trying to figure that out.

in the past, i've been accused of loving & treating my children differently. and, while i might deny ever doing so, deep in my heart i know it's true. to most people, it isn't obvious. but to others - like my mother - the distinction is very blatant & obvious. sometimes, i'm not sure if she tells me this to be mean or if it's her way of keeping me "in check" as a mother.

so, before you throw stones, i'll just come out and say it...yes, i love both of my children dearly, but i love them differently. and, yes, unfortunately, i do sometimes treat them differently, too. here's the kicker - and i know each & every one of us has vowed never to be like this - but i sometimes feel like i am acting the same way my mother did when i was growing up. why? because, honestly, i believe that my mother loved & treated my sister and i differently, too.

i'm biracial. what's race have to do with this? well, ask anyone you know who is of asian descent and ask them about their mother. 'nuff said.  while my dad was the breadwinner, my mother was the one who ruled the roost. and rule she did. i feel like a lot of how she raised me & my sister has rubbed off on how i am raising my own children today. that being said, it's not a bad thing. in fact, i'm very proud to emulate my mother in certain ways {much to the dismay of my husband}. i feel that my mother {both of my parents, in fact} did a damn fine job of raising both me and my sister. but, what does this have to do with my children?

i know, but i don't know. yeah, it doesn't make any sense, does it?

obviously, how i was raised reflects a great deal upon how i choose to raise my own children. therefore, when i seem mean or like i'm coming down on my children a little too hard, it's because that's what i know. this frustrates my husband because my husband was raised by a single mother with a completely different parenting style from what i grew up with {and this subject, my friends, will be blogged about soon...very soon}. my children are not mistreated nor are they abused. they just, by the grace of God, have a {to an extent} controlling, micromanaging mother who is not overly doting or lovey-dovey {because i was not raised by a mother like that}. i realize that a lot of my issues, if you even want to call them that, are of my own doing. it's how i've always been. it's who i am. and, because of this, i know that God has a sense of humor. why? because he blessed me with a child who is exactly like me.

{sidenote: last spring i read amy chua's battle hymn of the tiger mother for a child & family class i was enrolled in. let me just say that i could relate to a lot of what the book covered. a lot.}

my oldest is ten years old. malia & i have the same chinese astrological sign {we are both snakes}. take one look at her and you'll quickly agree that she is my mini-me. and, we are very much alike in terms of looks and, unfortunately, personality & temperament. to an outsider looking in, it would seem as if i am detached from my daughter...that i don't love her and that i criticize her entirely too much. i'm not & i don't. she & i have a special relationship that, in all honesty, only she & i understand. i am amazed by her abilities. she is creative, smart & gifted beyond her years. she's a lot like me when i was her age...and then some.

my youngest is eight years old. aidan was one week overdue and i hope his entrance into my world is not an indicator of any future plans of never leaving home. boys were a new territory for me. but, looking back on his infancy & toddlerhood, it was a very pleasant, very loving experience. both of my children were phenomenal babies & toddlers, but aidan was different. jovial, cheerful, and easy going {except when he was potty training}. aidan is so much easier to deal with than malia. sure, he might whine, but i'll deal with whining any day over sass & a smart mouth. i'm sure their age difference has something to do with it all, too.

but, there really is a difference between boys & girls, especially if you're raising both.

i've said it before and i'll say it again: i love both of my children very much. but, i love them each in their own special way. yes, i do treat them differently, but not in a double-standard kind of way. my children are encouraged to strive beyond their potential. they make me very proud not just as a mother, but as a person, too. i cannot imagine my life without them {even though i do daydream about being single & childless sometimes} and i would not change either of them for the world.