growing pains.

my daughter is ten. need i say more?

she's officially a tween & i am officially gray. {okay, so maybe i was already graying years before my daughter hit the double-digits.}

long gone are the days of giggles, smiles & little girl innocence.

this girl?

{malia, age 3, july 2004}

{us on the metro in d.c., april 2009}

she's been replaced by a moodier, more irritating version of her former self. honestly? my mother says that she is my payback {times a gazillion} for being a moody, irritating tween/teen. i believe her. of course, malia's first birthday should have been an indicator of how things would be:

{march 2002}

do not get me wrong - i love, love, LOVE my daughter. she is my first born. she is my mini me {maybe that's the problem}. she is my everything.

what i don't love is the tumultuous journey we are about the embark on. a journey that cannot be ignored, detoured around, skipped or wished away.

i'm talking about puberty.

despite some s-l-i-g-h-t physical changes {nothing major...yet}, my little girl is still just that: a little girl. unfortunately, she's got big girl hormones raging through her body. AND, i have zero patience or tolerance for big girl hormones running through a little girl's body.

i know that she's just as scared as i am. puberty isn't a fun time. it sure as hell isn't an easy time. and, while i understand her frustrations & confusion about all of the changes that are taking place within her body, i think i'm finally starting to understand just what my parents went through when i was malia's age. {oh, who am i kidding. i was a late bloomer. i didn't start irritating the crap out of my mom until i was at least twelve.}

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i had a conversation with a friend on sunday about our girls {her daughter is a few months older than mine}. she said that she appreciates little girls who still want to be little girls. i do, too. kids grow up way too fast & i can attest to that because ten years have gone by in the blink of an eye. 

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my daughter is ten. puberty is trying to rear it's ugly head. i need to allow her to grow up & find her identity. i don't know who these growing pains are harder on...me or her.  

but, i'm still holding on to every last bit of little girl while i can.

{me & my girl at disneyland, may 2011}

private property.

although malia & i talk about things, i bought this book for her:

{source}

as the mom of a soon-to-be ten year old, i was a little reluctant to purchase it.  i mean, when i picked up the book to look through it, the pages fell open to the section on how to insert a tampon.  i'm not ready for stuff like that.  i know my daughter isn't either.

but,

she is growing.  she is changing.  she has questions.  she will have more questions.

puberty is an awkward time.  so, maybe a book will make things easier...for the both of us.

maybe.

last weekend, as she was reading the book, she asked:

mom, why is it called a pub-ick area?  don't they mean public?

{she said pub-ick, not pew-bick}

oh.my.word.

my answer?

because it's most certainly NOT a public area.  no, no.  as a matter of fact, it's private property.

am i really ready for this?  am i?
i'm pretty sure six more gray hairs just sprouted on my head.

vicodin with a vodka chaser.

that's what i'm going to need because, folks, i do believe that this family is climbing up that steep, rocky mountain of bullhonkery that is known as mount st. hormones.

she's only nine.

good golly, it makes me wonder if i was a spiteful, mean as hell nine year old...i probably shouldn't ask my mother that.  i'd get some smart "i told you payback was a bitch" response.

there are a few - very few - physical changes.  but, there is more neck wiggling, eye rolling & smart mouthing.

honestly, i don't know how either of us are going to survive. 

this house is not big enough for two queen bees.

{source}

change something.

{source}

that's what i'm going to do.

it's not going to happen overnight.  it's going to take a lot of work.

and, it's going to start with me doing what i love & loving what i'm doing.

i'll elaborate more when the time is right.