my spark.

{via}

today didn't go as i expected. but, it's okay. more questions were answered. a little more confidence was gained. i can feel the stress weighing heavy on my heart, mind & shoulders. the financial uncertainty sucks. not knowing entirely what the actual outcome will be sucks.

but,

there is hope. there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

my symphony.

{source}

thank you, rachel.

sunshine.

i adore jason mraz.  he is a doll baby {i'm pretty certain i would eat him alive}.  his music soothes my soul.  his lyrics speak to my heart.  so, watch, listen or even read.

this song is dedicated to the family member i'm praying for.  i also dedicate it to any one out there who gets down from time to time {no, i'm not talking about when you bust out with some fresh dance moves, y'all}.  i'm even dedicating this song to myself.

 the sunshine song by jason mraz

Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
If there's a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.

I want to walk the same roads as everybody else, Through the trees and past the gates.
Getting high on heavenly breezes,
Making new friends along the way.
I won't ask much of nobody,
I'm just here to sing along.
And make my mistakes looks gracious,
And learn some lessons from my wrongs.

Well sometimes the sun shines on
Other people's houses and not mine.
Some days the clouds paint the sky all gray
And it takes away my summertime.
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
While I struggle to get mine.
A little light never hurt nobody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.

Oh, if this little light of mine
Combined with yours today,
How many watts could we luminate?
How many villages could we save?
And my umbrella's tired of the weather,
Wearing me down.
Well, look at me now.

You should look as good as your outlook,
Would you mind if I took some time,
to soak up your light, your beautiful light?
You've got a paradise inside.
I get hungry for love and thirsty for life,
And much too full on the pain,
When I look to the sky to help me
And sometimes it looks like rain.

As the sun shines on other people's houses
And not mine,
And the sky paints those clouds in a way
That it takes away the summertime,
Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you,
while I kindly stand by.
If theres a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine

You're undeniably warm, you're cerulean,
You're perfect in desire.
Won't you hang around
so the sun, it can shine on me,
And the clouds they can roll away,
And the sky can become a possibility?
If there's a light in everybody,
Send out your ray of sunshine.

two desires.

i have two desires - one is bigger {much bigger} than the other.

desire #1 {the really big one}:  i would really, really, really like to go back to school.  i've been tossing around the idea for a while now.  do i finally complete the masters in elementary education that i started years ago?  do i go to school for something - graphics, business administration, ? - to make myself more marketable at my current job?  or, {the prospect of this is the most meaningful & exciting to me} do i further my geographic education & work on a masters in that field or a closely related one? 
decisions, decisions. 
the really crummy thing about fulfilling my desire of going back to school for geography is that there are no universities in my area that offer anything geography-related at the graduate level.  not. one. school.

but, if anyone finds a program in my area or something in a similarly related field/discipline, please let me know.*

desire #2:  this isn't nearly as stressful or time consuming as my first desire.  i just need to entertain that creative outlet in me that has been neglected for far too long.  i also need to do something with all of the seashells i've collected along the way.  i have two 5-gallon buckets full of shells.  some whole.  some not.  some big...very big.  some not. 

wreaths.  jewelry.  picture frames.  art. 
whatever they end up being, they will be beautiful.

---

what are some of your desires?

{both pictures are from we♥it - which has become my latest obsession...or at least it seems that way}

*i think i found what i've been looking for and i am excited.  i have two programs to choose from - one local, one online.  i have two professors to meet & chat with - both local.  and, i have dreams of eventually uprooting my family out of our "not-so-comfort zone" {because, let's face it, there's just too much bad ju-ju here with all that has gone on} and moving to a town with a university that will allow me to achieve a masters degree in geography that i want so badly.  like my friend, john, said to me, "never rule anything out."

dear Lord, this is a mess...

because it really is.

i received a very sweet email from a dear friend, whitney, yesterday. y'all...she's a doll {and i'm a poet and i didn't even know it}.

i shared with her {and a few others} some of my family's recent struggles & worries. she replied back with words of wisdom. words that i needed to read. encouragement that i needed to get. she directed me here.

it's funny. that particular devotional rings so true with me. i wouldn't be surprised if it did with you all, too.

i am a do-er. i am a thinker. i am a "what if-er." i have a tendency to try and micromanage any & all aspects of my life...even the ones that i cannot control. i have a need to feel in control...even when it's blatantly obvious that i cannot be. so, that devotional really hit home for me.

it hit home because, in my mind, i need peace. i need peace & quiet {i'd like some at home, too, but it's hard when you've got an 8 year old & a 6 year old who can & will argue about darn near everything}. but, there IS no peace...not when i'm worrying. if i could just let go and let the Lord tackle this issue for me, then i would have more time & more energy to cherish other things like my children, my husband, my family. because, seriously y'all, worrying about this {for the lack of a better word} crap is exhausting.

whitney shared a powerful bible verse with me that helps her get by in tough times:

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness...”

2 corinthians 12:9

what's funny is that i have the very same bible verse pinned to my bulletin board here at home. well, it's just a smidgen different {but you know how the different bible versions can be}:

"My strength is made perfect in weakness..."
2 corinthians 12:9

after i read whitney's email, i took a second glance at my bulletin board and, wouldn't you know it, this is what else i saw:

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you."
Psalm 55:22

go figure. all the reassurance i needed was right there all along. but, of course, having the added encouragement from good friends is all the more wonderful. so, i'm going to move forward from here and not let our current strife weigh heavy on my heart {at least i'm going to try really hard not to}. if i had all of the answers or if i could foresee the future, i wouldn't be in this situation...my family wouldn't be in this situation. and, there is no doubt in my mind that the Lord would not give me {or my family} any more than He thought we could handle.

so perhaps there is a reason for all of this. what that reason is...i do not know just yet. i don't want to know just yet. i'll wait for the Lord to show me...to show us. instead, i'll do my best to keep calm & carry on. God has been good to my family thus far...i can't imagine He would fail me now.

like the devotional says, the first four letters of Messiah spell...yep...m-e-s-s {kinda like the word stressed is desserts spelled backwards...okay...so maybe it's not entirely like that but when i'm cramming chocolates down my throat i find comfort in that tidbit}. i'm turning over this mess to the Lord. clearly, i'm not able to make sense of it all. i'm teetering on the verge of angry bitterness and that's certainly not the way to solve this issue.

i truly believe that we will be okay in the end {even though it doesn't seem like it right now}. "all you need is love" is what my husband keeps saying. ha. don't i wish. but, perhaps he's right. so, i'm going to be hopeful. perhaps one day i'll be ready to forgive. but, for now, the only way i'm going to get through this is by letting the Lord handle it {because goodness knows i don't need an ulcer right now, too}.

post-holiday jeer & hopes for the new year.

christmas has come & gone and it's amazing to think that in a few short days we're going to kiss 2009 good-bye and ring in a new year.

2010.

a new beginning. the start of a new decade. eek. i don't know about you, but when i start talking about time in terms of decades i feel really old {when i'm really not...at least i like to think i'm not}.

anyways.

this is my 'the funk that always comes after the holidays' post. this is also my 600th blog post.

i'll admit it...i'm a bit down in the dumps, y'all. not really sad. not really super happy. just blah. don't get me wrong, i had a very lovely, very enjoyable christmas with my family. i couldn't be happier with the gifts i received & my heart swooned with joy as i watched my children giggle, gasp & get giddy with excitement as they opened their presents.

i wish i had pictures to share with you all, but i killed my not even one month old camera on christmas effin' eve. as i hastily cleaned my kitchen on christmas eve, i accidentally knocked my camera off the counter and the lcd screen shattered. the good news is, the camera is repairable. the bad news is, it's going to cost me nearly half of the camera's original purchase price to fix.

additionally, being unemployed has me stressed, but i know things will be okay. something will come along {i have an interview on wednesday & i aced my census exam}. the hubs' salary will sustain us. it's just the uncertainty of not knowing how long the hubs' job can or will sustain him that worries me...and that's all i am going to say about that.

and, we received some disappointing news the day after christmas. very disappointing. all i want to know is - when will people learn?!

but that's all besides the point.

i know in my heart of hearts that things will be okay. i know that He will provide for us & show us the way. adam & i have love & support from most of our families {i only say most because there is one individual who seems to be pushing family away rather than keeping them close...adam said things were quite weird when he & the kids were over at this person's house on christmas day...i didn't go so i'm sure you all can figure out who i'm referring to}. i know that my parents & my sister are rooting for me...to follow my dreams & listen to my heart. i've got good friends standing next to me. i am healthy. i have a cozy, albeit small home. my needs are fulfilled.
you know, it's funny how once before i used to thrive off of the negativity, but now it pains me to even get all "debbie downer" on y'all. i guess there really IS a big part of me that isn't so pessimistic anymore. hip, hop hooray.

so.

let's end this post by talking about some of my hopes, dreams & goals for 2010, shall we?

1. to find a job. not just any job, but my dream job. a career. the opportunity i've been waiting so long for.
2. to open an etsy shop & become successful at doing what i love...which isn't much, but why should i deny the world of my crafting abilities {yea, just needed to pump up my ego a bit...it's okay}.
3. to return to school. i'm not sure if i want to finish my graduate degree in elementary education or go for something completely different. i'm also not 100% certain if this is something that will happen in 2010 or 2011. we'll see.
4. to end any & all toxic relationships in my life. i've pretty much accomplished this goal already.
5. to let any & all negativity roll off my back. for the most part, people talk smack only to make themselves feel better about some short-coming...yep, that's right.
6. to excercise more often. so cliche for a new year's resolution, but what the hell.
7. to move. i haven't talked about this ever before, but we've been talking about possibly moving. where? we don't know for sure just yet. all i know is that we want a bigger home {because we really need a 4th bedroom} and i want more bang for our buck.
8. to say adios to our credit card debt. it's going to take a bit of time to zero out those student loan bills, but it's my wish to be 100% credit card debt free by the end of 2010.
9. to celebrate the 2010 holidays somewhere warm & tropical...perferrably playa del carmen, mexico
10. to love, honor & cherish the man that i love, the family we've created & the family we both come from 1000 times more than i do now.

what are your hopes, dreams & goals for the new year?

psst...stay tuned. in celebration of my 600th post, i have a small giveaway for you all to enter. it's nothing big. trust me. but it's still fun & cute & perfect for anyone who wants to be a bit more organized in the new year. i'll post the deets later this week.